i woke up and checked facebook

why did i do that? i am going to try to not check facebook right when i wake up. it never is a good thing. my friend, deb, died. she had been suffering from lung cancer for way too long. i really didn't think it would happen so fast.
i got to know her when i first moved to seattle. we both moved there around the same time. we joined a gay hiking group and met each other. during that time, my mom was battling cancer. deb had already been diagnosed right before i met her. anyway, long story short, we hit it off. she was one of those people i thought i would be friends with forever. she had such an easy going attitude, we'd walk the dogs together at the dog park. her dog, phoebe, and otis got along really well. she liked what i like. it's weird. i really feel like we were meant to meet each other.
my other friend, andre, was going through the same battle. we all met around the same time, all got along great and enjoyed each other's company. andre and deb had each other to talk to. we drank too much and laughed just enough.
it hasn't yet been a year since andre passed that deb did too.
anyway, i learned of deb's passing from andre's partner, ed's facebook posting.
there isn't going to be a memorial in seattle, but only in pennsylvania where deb is from.
how do you mourn from this? i haven't yet figured it out. with andre's death, i was there. i could be helpful to ed and do something. with deb, i am not sure what to do.

Here's the latest

I have been spurred to start writing again, so you will be seeing more of me, whether you like it or not. I need this, I think. I have been fumbling around trying to figure out what to do next for about 2 years now. I've learned a lot. I've learned I don't want to work for someone else. I've learned I can rely on my strengths. I've learned I'm a pretty crafty person. I've learned I need to live life fully because you never know when it will be taken away.

I say this all because this is the reinvention of me. Here goes! I would like to do something different, something healing and positive in the world. Something that makes me smile and makes me want to get out of bed in the morning. Over the past 24 hours I have been saturated with newness. Newness that is exciting and new people who are exciting. I want to do it ALL.

So, to all you people out there who believe they need to do something different, something better for themselves, step out! Try something new.

Changing things up a bit

Recently there has been a lot of changes going on in my life. L&I has closed my back injury claim (not really sure why). I am losing my health insurance because the ARRA reduction Obama's administration enacted is going away. Now my Cobra will be 65% more. Ugh. We've had electricians all over our house for about a month now. The banging, yelling and holes in the wall are getting old. Some of my friends and me have started a food blog. We will be posting things periodically about places we eat, hear about or want to try. It's called Trythisandthis. I have been thinking lately about animal holistic care, probably massage and acupuncture. I need to reinvent myself for sure. The news business was a stinker. Will post more soon.

i should really think about writing more.

So, I am headed to the east coast this week. Of course, it is super cold there! I am going to help my sister make a huge move, both physically and mentally. I am so glad for her. The question I pose to all of you out there, why don't people move more? Why do they stay in the same place their whole lives? Is it out of comfort, safety, security? Is it because they are scared? Scared to face something different? I have noticed while reconnecting with past friends and classmates a lot of people stay where they were born or where their families live.

A friend of mine was telling me how guilty she feels about taking her daughter away from her family. She doesn't know her cousins or other family members well. Also, she said she would have a built-in babysitter. I guess these things are all true, but at what price? Your sanity and growth as an adult human?

What's more important...sticking around your family or venturing out on your own?

So here goes...

I am pissed. During the past year and a half or so I have been dealing with a back injury from my job. I have had to deal with all the companies you never want to have to deal with, including insurance companies, government, health providers, lawyers. Ugh. So, I think I should tell my story here. I can get it out and if anyone wants to read this then they must be interested. At the age or 32 I had no idea I could do something so horribly to my back I could still be suffering from it, but unfortunately that's the case and it's not going away.

During this year and a half or more, I have been pushed through the system. I know I am not the only one. I have seen a lot of others in this process. I have been to numerous doctors, therapists, specialists, so on. I have had to deal with state L&I, vocational counselors, Long term disability, short term disability, IME's, PCE's, MRI's, pain management training, light duty work, lying doctors who are paid by the state, crappy lawyers, and overall good for nothing providers. This is our United States healthcare system at work?

I have found a wonderful, caring doctor and have leaned on my partner through this.

Let me start by saying, don't pay for your company's long term disability. It will never help you, it will only make you mad you paid it for so long. Tell your company (especially if the LTD plan is through Metlife) you don't want it and you don't want to pay for it. Also, if you ever get injured on the job, I am sorry. It is horrible and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. The only way I can get out of bed in the morning and move is to take pain medicine. Only the doctor who has been so supportive will prescribe it to me. All the others are scared to give anything other than anti-seizure/anti-convulsant drugs or diclofenac to their patients. Let me tell you, those are NO GOOd. All I did was shake and was still in a lot of pain.

I have been fighting to keep benefits since the day I received them from state L&I. I have been trying to get benefits from Metlife since I was injured to no avail. They are a joke. They make it where they put every clause in the world to make sure you can't get the benefits you've been paying for. Social Security disability is also a joke. I have filed twice (because my lawyer gave me bad advice the first time). I went to a medical evaluation about a month ago, and before they could talk to any of my doctors who are treating me, they denied me benefits after an 8 minute exam.

At this moment, I am on the verge of being kicked off state L&I, appealing the Social Security denial and at a loss as to what to do next with Metlife. I talked to another lawyer yesterday who wanted 8K to do any work for me and by the end of the day he sent me an email saying it probably wouldn't be worth it to file a lawsuit. The wording in their policy is so convoluted and benefits them so much, it wouldn't be worth it.

I ask you, where do I go now? I have multiple back problems that prevent me from working. I have to take a good amount of pain medicine just to function and I don't really have a skill that is transferrable to part-time work (that's if I could even do it with the pain and problems with my back). I was a television news photographer for 11 years and it finally took it's toll on me.

Potentially, I would like to go back to school, but I don't even know if I could sit in the seat for class. I am 33 now with no options.

what?!?!

I can't believe it!!!! Toyotas are screwing up!?!? So evidentally, Toyotas are having a problem with their accelerator getting stuck. People have been driving along, and all of a sudden the accelerator gets stuck and accelerates. Yikes!!! There was a car full of people driving down the highway and headed to an intersection and they couldn't slow down the car going 100mph. They all ended up dying. I have always thought Toyotas are the greatest car since the inception of cars, but this is proving my theory wrong. I know, all makes and models have their faults, but this is strange. One of our friends got his floor mats recalled. They think that is the problem, the heavy rubber mat a lot of people have been buying. I have them. They are great for winter weather/rain. Anyway, here's what you do in an emergency...

Put the car in Neutral. If that doesn't work, stomp on the brake (don't tap). If that doesn't work, pull the emergency brake.

This is really uncharacteristic for Toyota. Maybe there is a bigger problem. Many of the people who have had this happen say they don't have the rubber mats, but Toyota won't acknowledge anything other than the mats.

Today is a new day

Today has been spent trying to find me and the dog Halloween costumes. I have yet to find one for myself, but found a pumpkin outfit for the dog. I was thinking about being Speed Racer. I thought that would be super cool! I have a helmet, but I need a jacket. I guess the neighborhood we live in is a Halloween mecca. The place is full of kids being dropped off by the busload. Interesting, our last house would barely get 3 kids. I am driving a friend in a parade tomorrow, which should be fun. Will I be able to see out of the helmet to drive? Who knows, but I'll find out.

Anyway, enough with the chitter. I've found a superb place for a lot of things here, but I haven't found my favorite restaurants. Although, I am working on it daily. We have good coffee, good bagels (eventhough Mr. Stinky always comes by and ruins my bagel) and a great farmer's market.

I was thinking about using this blog as my platform for talking about what I have been through with my back over the past year and a half. I'm wondering if talking about it could help someone else or maybe I should write about food and eating it. I'm still thinking.